curvyscribe

Here I stand,

Alive among a sea of normal,

A smile on the lips of friends,

Living in the fear of judges,

They see me,

They don’t know me,

A face in a crowd,

A glimpse in the window,

Of the life I left behind.

Ah don’t new clothes make you feel so much better? I bought some stuff from marisota.co.uk, they do sizes up to 32 in case any one is wondering and are very reasonably priced, I got a pack of three roll neck tops for £20! Anyhow, love new clothes, make you feel sexy evn though I put on half a pound last week, but just spent £22 on fruit and veg! Eek, and tonight i’m having smoked salmon fillet with cous cous and veggies. Mmm…Now off to do my psychology paper.

I’m going to realistic, due to stress I have not eaten well at all, so I expect to have put on some weight. But tommorow is a new day and a new week and next week I’ll do really well, so i’m not upset (well i’ll try not to be).

I got into teacher training, so i’m celebrating with low fat burgers which are only 1.5 syns on slimming world. Now i’m a student again…beans?

Craving KFC again, why…why, want it badly! Thinking of the ice cream and the popcorn chicken, of god the chicken! Just breathe, keep calm. I am not an addict, I could stop anytime!

Since losing my job, i’ve done little more than sit in my lovely leather recliner, and watch TV or surf the net. It’s so very bad, maybe I should sit in an uncomfortable chair and i’d get up and go. I guess I feel a little isolated, I can’t drive, I live in the middle of nowhere and m partner works all day. It’s hard to be motivated to do anything. I can see the sea but can’t get to it, it’s too far to walk. The days merge into one another as I sit here - wasting away like seaweed on the shore.

I think maybe I overeat because I like NOT having control. Its so easier to give up the fight, to hand over control to our impulses, whilst once slim, the control is all in our hands, we have to constantly think, constantly think about food to maintain. I’ve been slim, and it was so hard to be in control every day so I gave up my control and didn’t eat at all. I want control,  but I don’t want the responsibility of keeping the control ever day. To work hard, and fail is so much harder than to not work at all.

I binge ate tonight and I feel awful for it so full, so sick. I have until wednesday to lose some weight for slimming world - but its seriously hard. Why do we binge eat, it doesn’t feel nice, we all hate it, yet somehow we feel compelled to hurt ourselves in this way. I have such an unhealthy attitude towards food, I hate it, I love it, I feel controlled by it. I’m either overweight or dieting, i’ve been anorexic and i’ve hated the compusion to let food control my life. I don’t want to die young from obesity, but I struggle to keep focused, what makes a fat person different than a thin person?

We made low fat boerewors (south african sausage), and god is it good. Plus I know it’s good meat as we picked it - no hooves lol. This is my partner proudly displaying his wares. Hard work but worth it.

Lesson one - no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. Turns out whoever had lived in my previous rented house before us, had rewired the electric to bypass the national grid!!!! Ok, bad - very bad!! I spent ages trying to persaude the electric company I was living there and we DID have electric but they wouldn’t listen. Also, my dear lovely father believes it was me!! Nice! Apparently we are some sort of criminal masterminds!

Somehow we need to prove it wasn’t us, but they claim to have cut us off while we were living there, but they didn’t! Would appreciate if I wasn’t constantly being kicked when I’m down….